


myself

by babyweis



Series: i do love you [3]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Break Up, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Moving On, hyungwon's name isn't even mentioned lmao well
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 05:25:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17176745
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babyweis/pseuds/babyweis
Summary: It's four in the morning when Kihyun comes home. He's giggling to himself in the hall, but quiets down once he sees Hyunwoo standing there, leaning against the wall and watching him.Or, everyone lies sometimes.





	myself

**Author's Note:**

> i suggest you read the first part of this series so you'll understand this one!!!
> 
> (lmao the parts for this just get shorter every time - i thought i'd make this one longer, bu then i figured it would be better this way)

 

 

 

"Oh, good god," Kihyun breathes out, peeking in the box he'd just opened, "aren't these the porcelain your grandmother left you?"

Hyunwoo's heart jumps to his throat and he immediately gets up from where he was sitting, sprinting across the room while trying to avoid crashing into the boxes they have scattered around. Once he gets there, he slumps down next to Kihyun and leans over the box, only to see that each cup and plate inside is perfectly _fine_.

"Kihyun," he groans, "why are you like this? I thought they were shattered!"

"They _could_ have been since you packed them like this," Kihyun points out, grabbing a piece of a newspaper and rolling it up into a ball to toss it at him. "Didn't you get the bubble wrap?"

"I forgot," Hyunwoo mutters, picking up the paper and putting it back inside the box. Kihyun huffs.

"I _knew_ I should have helped you pack."

Hyunwoo rolls his eyes, but ends up smiling anyway. "You really are just like my mom."

"That's a compliment," Kihyun chirps, grinning at him, "your mother is a really fine lady."

"She is," Hyunwoo has to agree, and Kihyun laughs, scrambling into a squatting position before grabbing at the sides of the porcelain box,

"Come on now, help me carry this to the kitchen. It'd be shitty if they shattered now that they've already survived all the way here."

"Fine," Hyunwoo sighs, grabbing a firm hold of the box as well. They lift it together, and successfully carry it to the small but cozy kitchen, heaving it on the counter next to another box that's titled _pans and pots_ with Kihyun's neat handwriting.

"Tell you what," Kihyun breathes out, "if we're ever to move into another place again, _I'm_ going to be the one who takes care of anything that could break. I'll only trust you with something like clothes and pillows."

"Hey," Hyunwoo protests, "I'm not that bad."

Kihyun laughs, leaning against the counter as he looks at Hyunwoo. The sunrays from the bare window hit his face and make his eyes look golden, has his skin glowing, and Hyunwoo suddenly feels _breathless_. He stares, and then he leans over, brings his hand up to brush Kihyun's soft cheek with his fingertips.

Kihyun blinks at him, pressing his lips together as he holds his breath, unmoving underneath Hyunwoo's touch, and for a second he makes Hyunwoo think of the porcelain in the box.

"It's so weird," Hyunwoo speaks up, soft and quiet so he won't crash the magic of the sunrays, "to think that this is our home now."

Kihyun's lips curl into a smile, and he reaches up with his hand, covering Hyunwoo's own with it and fumbling a little to intertwine their fingers. "Our home," he repeats in a whisper.

Hyunwoo's heart leaps, and he steps closer to Kihyun, bringing his other hand up as well to hide Kihyun's own inside his palms. Kihyun's hands are small, and his fingertips are often a little cold. And Hyunwoo knows Kihyun is strong, but regardless, on moments like these, Hyunwoo wants nothing but to protect him.

He thinks of the porcelain again, how it made it through the trip in the moving van, pressed underneath the weight of dozens of other boxes, but how it still could easily break if not handled with care.

Kihyun tilts his head, looking up at him while squeezing his hand, "what are you thinking of?"

Hyunwoo smiles at him. "Nothing," he says, "nothing."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Hyunwoo is not blind.

He sees the way Kihyun avoids looking him in the eyes for too long, how Kihyun drops his smile when he thinks Hyunwoo won't see, how Kihyun hesitates every time he says "I love you".

At first, he wants to think it's just temporary. He knows people are different, that for some of them, it takes longer to get used to the thought of having found their soulmate and to fall in love. He wants to think Kihyun is just taking his time, that he's a little _slow_ , and it's okay. He doesn't push Kihyun and tries to go slow, tries to match Kihyun's pace.

He's not sure at which point he realizes that it's not temporary, that Kihyun isn't _just slow_ with his feelings - that Kihyun doesn't love him and never will. Maybe he always sort of knew that, but he just wasn't ready to accept it, to understand it. They are _soulmates_ , after all. They are destined to be together.

Maybe that's also why he holds on and pretends he knows nothing.

(Maybe he still, foolishly, dares to hope.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
Hyunwoo is still in med school when Kihyun announces one day that he's quitting his job at the restaurant downtown and starting his own bakery instead.

It seems sudden, like Kihyun is doing it just on a whim, but Hyunwoo knows him (likes to think that he knows him), and he doesn't doubt the idea one bit. He knows it's going to work out. Kihyun is strong and determined, and will succeed in whatever he chooses to do - and Hyunwoo will support him, no matter what he chooses to do.

"I think I could rent this place," Kihyun explains, his eyes gleaming as he shoves his laptop on the table in front of Hyunwoo, "it's a bit far from our place, but it's really nice. It's in a busy area, too, but there's mostly stuff like flower and jewelry stores closeby, so there's not that much competition."

"Wow," Hyunwoo breathes out, "you have already thought about this a lot, haven't you?"

Kihyun grins at him, picking up his laptop again and staring at the screen. "Of course," he says. "You know me."

On days when he has more free time from his studies, Hyunwoo offers to help Kihyun out with the bakery, but Kihyun refuses with a smile on his face. Tells him to get some proper rest, do things he likes, since he's free from studying - that he'll manage it on his own. His parents are helpful, anyway, and so is Minhyuk.

 _Minhyuk_.

Hyunwoo can't help himself, and so he, for a long while, suspects that the reason Kihyun doesn't feel the same about him is Minhyuk. Come to think of it, they grew up together, have known each other for much longer than Hyunwoo has known Kihyun, and seem closer to each other than what Hyunwoo feels he is with Kihyun.

Minhyuk is around a lot, and he's _touchy_ , too, clinging onto Kihyun's arms and playfully patting his cheeks or tugging his hair. He jokes around with Kihyun comfortably, and knows _everything_ about Kihyun, down to his least favorite food and his pet peeves, what movies he has seen and what book series he has read more than once. And in turn, Kihyun knows everything about Minhyuk too, stresses over his birthday and Christmas presents because _no, I bought that for him seven years ago_ , seems to know what Minhyuk is going to say before the latter even opens his mouth.

Sometimes, Hyunwoo feels like those two are soulmates, and he's just casually thirdwheeling.

And the problem with that is, that even if he wants to, he can't exactly _hate_ Minhyuk for that. Minhyuk is just an all around-lovable person, and Hyunwoo can't do anything but to accept that, no matter the situation. He laughs at Minhyuk's jokes and antics, agrees to go out with him and Kihyun every time even if Kihyun himself is a little hesitant, and sometimes he struggles when Minhyuk is drunk and presses a kiss on Kihyun's cheek as something that's _obviously_ a joke, but he never once thinks he hates Minhyuk.

And that might be a good thing, because one day, when Hyunwoo comes home from work, Kihyun is practically glowing, his smile brighter than what Hyunwoo has ever seen.

"I hired a new worker for the bakery today," he says, his spoon clacking loudly against the cup as he giddily stirs his coffee. "He was really nice, you know, had a great resume and everything. His name is Hoseok."

Hyunwoo forces a smile and then turns his back to Kihyun, taking his time as he pours himself some coffee.

"That's great, Ki," he says.

Turns out he was wrong about Minhyuk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hyunwoo stares at his phone screen, gently brushing over his lockscreen with his thumb. Kihyun stares back at him, his eyes wide and mouth slightly opened in surprise, chopsticks in his right hand and a Chinese takeout box in the left. He had begged Hyunwoo to delete the picture afterwards, fuming once he'd put it as his lockscreen, occassionally still wrinkling his nose whenever he sees it even if the picture is months old already.

He just called, told Hyunwoo he's going out with Minhyuk. He hasn't gone out in a while, and Hyunwoo is working late today, so it's more of a relief than anything.

Until the phone rings again just before Hyunwoo is about to finish his break, Minhyuk's name flashing on the screen.

His first thought is that something has happened to Kihyun, and he nearly drops his phone to the floor as he attempts picking up the call in his sudden panic, earning a long, confused look from a nurse passing by. He steps into a quiet corner and finally raises the phone up to his ear, breathing out, "yes?"

The other end of the line is quiet for a moment, only the faint sound of someone breathing audible, and then Minhyuk speaks up.

_"Hey."_

"Hey, Minhyuk," Hyunwoo says, frowning in worry and glancing up at the clock on the nearby wall. "Is something wrong?"

 _"I... I don't know,"_ Minhyuk answers _. "Is Kihyun there? I tried calling him a few times, but he won't answer. Are you guys out, or something?"_

Hyunwoo's heart drops to his stomach, and he has to take a moment before answering, his head pounding painfully. "I'm at work," he says, "but Kihyun said he's going out today."

_"Oh."_

"Yeah," Hyunwoo says. He suddenly feels a little dizzy, and he has to take a few step to the other side of the hall, slumping down to sit on one of the chairs there. "Uh, Minhyuk? Are you- do you need help with anything?"

There's another, long moment of silence, and then Minhyuk says, _"no. No need to. I just- I think I just need a moment. It's okay. But thank you."_

Then he hangs up, a loud beeping sound cutting through Hyunwoo's hazy mind. He slowly lowers his phone from his ear and stares at his own reflection on the black screen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It's four in the morning when Kihyun comes home. He's giggling to himself in the hall, but quiets down once he sees Hyunwoo standing there, leaning against the wall and watching him.

He's drunk, so drunk he's barely able to take off his own shoes, trips over his feet on the way to the bedroom. Hyunwoo takes a hold of him and walks him there, helps him get undressed and pulls the covers over him.

The morning after he tells Hyunwoo he was out with another friend. He has a bad hangover, and he's pale, and he just looks plain _sad_ , and Hyunwoo doesn't have the heart to yell at him or question him further.

(When he thinks about it later on, it might have been that he was protecting himself more than Kihyun.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When Hyunwoo first met Kihyun's parents, they were simply enthusiastic to talk with him, up to the point that Kihyun had to tell them to _please stop embarrassing him_. They went on and on about how Kihyun had always dreamed of meeting his soulmate, of how it was close to the only thing he'd ever talk about when he was a kid.

Hyunwoo thinks of it one day when he's waiting for his nightshift, lying on the couch and staring at the ceiling. The tv has turned into a white noise to him, and he's barely aware of the fact that he's holding the remote in a death grip, his knuckles turning white.

He's angry. It's weird. He'd thought he was already past that. He's almost never angry, anyway. Nothing gets solved with anger. He shouldn't fall into it.

He shouldn't, but Kihyun is at work, at his bakery, the one he loves so much and has worked so hard for, the one Hyunwoo practically never visits because he can see how uncomfortable Kihyun gets whenever he does that. Hyunwoo has figured that it's Kihyun's safeplace, where he _escapes_ \- where he escapes from their relationship, from Hyunwoo.

It's Kihyun's safeplace, Kihyun's escape, and it's also the place where the man who Kihyun seems to care for more than Hyunwoo works in.

The day Kihyun told him he had hired a new worker plays on Hyunwoo's mind constantly, without a break - _"His name is Hoseok."_ \- replay and replay. The night Kihyun came home drunk at four in the morning is a close second.

Hyunwoo just knows. He hasn't even seen this Hoseok, but he _knows_. Maybe it's his damned soulmate instincts screaming it at his face, reading Kihyun's every move and changes of tones when he's speaking. He _knows_.

Kihyun isn't in love with him, because he has Hoseok.

It hurts. It hurts more than it did back when Hyunwoo suspected it was about Minhyuk, because back then it was exactly that - just him suspecting things. But this is real, this is all unwinding right before his eyes, and there's no way to deny it at this point.

The worst is, Hyunwoo even wishes it actually had been Minhyuk instead. Because it would have been understandable. Because Kihyun and Minhyuk know everything about each other, because they are so close to each other already - it would _make sense._

But Minhyuk has recently found his own soulmate, and according to Kihyun, they're going to be good together. And so, that's not what's happening, and Kihyun loves Hoseok.

The fact that Kihyun never loved Hyunwoo - his own soulmate - but supposedly fell in love at first sight with a man who he had never met, that does _not make sense._

Exactly how did that even happen? _Why_ did that even happen?

What's wrong with him, and what's so special about Hoseok for it to go like this?

Hyunwoo slowly lets his grip on the remote slip, and it drops to the floor with a loud noise, the batteries rolling under the couch. He lies still for several more minutes before turning to his stomach and reaching underneath the couch, grabbing the batteries and putting the remote back together.

 _I have to see,_ he thinks as he gets up from the couch, his heart pounding and his hands sweating as he walks to the hall and gets dressed, grabs the car keys from the drawer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hyunwoo's bravery dies as soon as he gets into his car. He starts the engine to warm up, but doesn't really start driving until he's been sitting there for fifteen minutes, staring into nothingness through the window. Once he leaves the parking lot, he drives to a different direction from where Kihyun's bakery is, stops at a grocery store and buys some necessities he thinks they're running out of, stops at the ice skating rink and just watches the place for a while, the couples and the families, the groups of friends, and then he returns to his car and stops at the opposite side of the street of Kihyun's bakery.

It's closing time already, around nine in the evening, and it's dark enough for him to stay somewhat hidden. If Kihyun sees him, he supposes he can just tell him he decided to come and pick him up so he doesn't need to take the bus. These days, he's not really that good at telling the truth.

At least Kihyun isn't either.

Jooheon and Changkyun come out of the bakery together, huddled close in the cold while laughing about something. Hyunwoo watches as they disappear around the corner, and then, for a moment, he feels _ridiculous_ , sitting there in the dark in his car, hiding, and he almost starts the engine again and drives off.

Almost.

He sits there for another fifteen minutes, chewing on his lower lip and absentmindedly staring at the bakery door. Cars pass by, and people pass by, the streets busy on a Friday evening, and he eventually starts wondering if Kihyun has left early and has gotten home while he was driving.

And that's when the door opens again.

Hyunwoo perks up unvoluntarily, holding his breath with his hands fidgeting as he watches.

Kihyun is smiling when he steps outside, adjusting his jacket with one hand as he keeps the door open with the other. Another man steps out after him, close to Kihyun's height but just a tad bit taller, clad in a black jacket and a grey scarf, his hair raven black and his eyes on nothing else but Kihyun. He's smiling, too, and when he speaks, Kihyun laughs, his entire face lighting up, and Hyunwoo's breath hitches in his throat because he has _never_ seen Kihyun laugh like that.

The two of them close the door, and then they start walking down the street together, their shoulders pressed against each other's. Once they get swallowed by the crowd, Hyunwoo releases a shaky breath and starts the car, pulling up to the way home.

He refuses to cry. They looked happy. Kihyun looked happy. That's what matters.

He brings the groceries home and changes into his working clothes, leaves to his car again, and he tells himself not to think about Kihyun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hyunwoo still thinks about Kihyun. Of course he does.

He thinks about Kihyun when he's working, on his breaks, and when he's driving home. He thinks about Kihyun when he stands in the elevator, holding his keys in one hand and staring down at them. He thinks about Kihyun when he steps into their apartment and finds it empty.

He thinks about Kihyun the entire time, and he doesn't sleep. He takes a shower and changes into comfortable clothes - into sweatpants and a shirt that's a gift from Kihyun, and then he lies down onto Kihyun's side of the bed. He thinks about Kihyun and about that man - about Hoseok - and he rolls onto his stomach and presses his face onto Kihyun's pillow.

Somehow, he knows he's not going to sleep by Kihyun's side ever again.

He drinks four cups of coffee. He's on his last one when it's eleven in the morning and Kihyun comes home.

This time around, Kihyun isn't drunk, or hangover, and this time around, he doesn't look sad. This time around, Kihyun talks, and Hyunwoo questions him, and they look at each other as they do so.

Kihyun looks at him and tells him he's in love with someone else.

It's when they are done with talking that Hyunwoo feels, after all these years, like he's finally able to breathe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Haven't met your soulmate yet, huh?"

Hyunwoo lifts his head, tapping his finger against the glass of his drink. The bartender smiles at him, small but comforting, and Hyunwoo shrugs his shoulders.

"Yeah," he says, "I guess I haven't."

The other raises his eyebrow at that, but doesn't question him further. There's a couple sitting not too far from Hyunwoo, and they're asking for more drinks. The bartender strides over to them, and at the same time, Hyunwoo slides off his stool and slowly makes his way outside.

It's snowing. Hyunwoo digs through his pockets and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, along with a lighter. He used to smoke in high school, but he quit after a few years. He supposes that this is a time when it's acceptable to start again.

He sticks one in between his lips and shoves the pack back into his pocket, taking out a lighter instead.

"Smoking kills."

Hyunwoo raises his eyebrow and glances to the side. Jooheon greets him with a small wave of his hand and a crooked grin, leaning against the wall of the bar.

"Why are you here?" he asks, only realizing afterwards how rude it actually sounds. Jooheon only laughs, though, leaving his spot by the wall to stand next to him instead.

"Saw you inside," he answers, shoving his hands in his pockets and shrugging his shoulders. "Thought I'd say hi. It's been a while since I last saw you."

"Yeah," Hyunwoo says. He takes the cigarette from in between his lips and shoves it back into his pocket. "How's the bakery?"

Jooheon looks a little caught up by the question, his eyes widening slightly and his smile faltering. He puts himself together fairly fast, bringing his hand up to wipe a melted snowflake away from his cheek.

"It's doing good," he replies, "Ki- we're doing good."

Hyunwoo smiles a little, looking down at the ground. "You can say his name, you know."

"Right," Jooheon mutters. A moment of silence, and then he says again, "Kihyun is doing good."

"Glad to hear that."

Hyunwoo sees from the corner of his eye how Jooheon nods his head, pursing his lips together. "What about you?" he asks.

"What about me?"

"If you're doing good, then why are you in here on Christmas Eve?"

Jooheon blinks, turning his head to look at the opposite direction. "Oh."

Hyunwoo shoves his hands in his pockets, and waits, lifting his head to look up at the sky instead.

"I've actually met my soulmate," Jooheon says then. He takes another moment before adding, "he's aromantic."

Hyunwoo raises an eyebrow and turns his head to look at the younger. He stares for a moment, a snowflake landing on the tip of his nose and melting away, and then something clicks. "Changkyun?"

Jooheon smiles, but this time, it doesn't reach his eyes. "Yeah. We didn't really come out about it to anyone. Societal norms, you know. We'd have to deal with people questioning why we're not dating all the time. Sounds tiring."

Hyunwoo nods, slowly, fidgeting with his cigarette inside of his pocket. "Do you love him?"

"I do," Jooheon answers honestly, "I do. He loves me too, but it's just- it's platonic, you know? I'm learning to live with that, and, well, I guess it's been getting easier."

Hyunwoo hums, pulls his hands out of his pockets and just _watches_ for a moment, how the snowflakes and streetlights dance on Jooheon's face.

"Hey," he says, "there's this real good diner nearby. They're giving discounts for tonight. Do you want to go?"

Jooheon smiles, bright, and it reaches his eyes again.

"Sure."

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> and that's a wrap!
> 
> i sort of tried giving tiny hints throughout this series abt jookyun being soulmates but decided to keep it a secret up until now hAha that's also why i tagged the minor/background relationships. i also suppose i could've tagged this as an open/ambiguous ending but?? oh w e l l
> 
> anyway, i hope you've enjoyed this series. i'm leaving the status uncompleted because there might be a chance that i'll be adding more (short) parts to it from the others' pov!


End file.
